| the truth on success
as my undergraduate career comes to an end...questions of what to do post-college has occupy most of my daily thoughts in applying to graduate nursing programs. most of my spring quarter has consisted nothing but doing everything possible before i leave davis to become a good candidate for grad school. of course, my daily worries and stress has caused me many sleepless nights and mini panic attacks here and there. i suppose on the surface, it's "normal" to be feeling this way...however, little did i know, soon, it became the only thing that was on my mind. i want to get into a program so badly to serve the underserved population in healthcare that i have idolized this goal...to the point where i define my identity, success and competency in mostly my academic achievements...
ever since i can recall my early days in school, i was never the smartest kid of the bunch. i remembered specifically when i was younger, my uncles would compare me and my other girl cousin, Kathy, in our school performance. i always brought home mediocre grades with the occasional visit to see our school principal's since i barely just "made" the grades for this semester. of course this all changed when we moved to the States....i'm still not sure why i did so poorly in school in hong kong or i just got my acts together in the States...in any case, i still remembered the first straight As report card that i brought home in 5th grade. i was ecstatic in my accomplishments....finally i realized, i'm not as dumb as people said i am...really! unfortunately, the words that a child hears can carry with the person for a long time and so from then on...i felt i needed to work hard and strive in order to be "successful." i soon developed an identity in my academic achievements...and only in that do i feel validated as a person...worthy for everything else. but they're all lies!!!
i'm a child of God, I'm his beloved...He loves me for who I am....our heavenly Father doesn't care how many As I've gotten, if I did well on the midterm last week, or if I will get into graduate program...given God does care to an extend in every aspects of our lives, even on things as small as we think they are...He does care. But that was never His definition of success. God never said I have to do x, y, and z to be loved by Him...He loves us unconditionally no matter what we've done or what we haven't done...He loves us to the extent i cannot ever understand. but i know He does, I've felt His love...the only command He has for us is to love others, to love people. if we demonstrate the love that God has for us as we love His people, we're already successful in His eyes. we've already achieved the greatest goal of all - to love each other as He has loved us. that is success...it's not about us and what degrees we get or how much we make in a year, but it is about loving His people.
i'll be the first to admit, i certainly have not done this very well in this past year in loving others. instead, i have isolated myself and reverted back to relying on my own to obtain my "success" and only caring the worldly definition of success where it is defined mainly by your status, your career, and your academic accomplishments. no longer did i care about caring for people....which is ironic since that was why i wanted to go into nursing in the first place. to care and serve people, especially those in need but often get shafted by their status in our society.
a faithful sister reminded me today that success in God's eyes is to love His people with all of our hearts...as long as we are actively doing this, we are already successful to Him. and afterall, isn't that what we're after anyway...? of course, this is much easier said than done as it is with everything else...but of course, one can pray for God to intervene and lay it down at the cross. even though i know i will continue to struggle with this, i know that if i keep asking for His guidance and for Him to take this away from me and let Him control this, it can be done. i just need to have faith in Him...because the truth is I'm already successful to the only One who really counts...
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future... - Jeremiah 29:11 |
